srsly_you_guys's blog

pick of the litter

Y'all can relax: Donald Trump has announced the competitors for 2009's round of Celebrity Apprentice. Since only one of these super-qualified contenders can win a job with The Donald, I'm here to give you the rundown on their strengths and weaknesses in case the rest come looking for work after being fired (a funny thought until you remember the economy, and suddenly, the idea of Andrew Dice Clay knocking on your office door - most likely wearing fingerless leather gloves - becomes a little less amusing). (Also, I am doing this for free. I am a bargain!)

So, the CONTENDERS:

Khloe Kardashian:

I'm afraid of this picture

pro: if you trick her into thinking the company uniform is made of fur, there's a good chance she'll work in the buff.
con: having to see Khloe Kardashian naked.
extra con: extending the relevance of the Kardashians. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHO IS WATCHING THAT SHOW, AND WHY?

Andrew Dice Clay:

my gladiator name is BEDAZZLER

Frankly just looking at this picture gave me a headache. Next.

Brian McKnight:

sup baby. I like to lean.

pro: will undoubtedly anticipate and be sensitive to your needs.
con: probably sucks at data entry; if he gets lost, he will start back at one. (ZING!) (this will fail if none of you are into 90s soft rock. DAMMIT.)

Annie Duke, pro poker player:

listening to Brian McKnight on that iPod

pro: judging from the picture, looks willing to be hopped up on caffeine in order to get the job done; could take your low profit margins and gamble them into a fortune.
con: idk, the guy next to her seems impressed. I might give her the edge.

Claudia Jordan, Deal or No Deal model:

Plinko, bitch

pro: was a Barker's Beauty, which in my world gives you 10,000 bonus points immediately; she could open your briefcase for you.
con: that might be the extent of her office skills.

Natalie Gulbis:

this is a totally legit golf stretch

pro: considered an LPGA sex symbol, meaning she can do the impossible. your filing will be a snap for her.
con: was once on the cover of Sactown Magazine. I don't know what that is, but my sense is that it won't bode well for your company.

Herschel Walker:

mothaf**kin JUMP ROPE

pro: won the Heisman, so can help you perfect your Heisman pose, thus ensuring your title as the douchiest person at any party you ever attend.
con: once competed in the Olympics on a bobsled team, but probably will not appreciate your Cool Runnings jokes. Which makes that egg you're carrying around in your pants a little weird.

Jesse James:

note the lack of sepia tone

pro: increases your chances of meeting Keanu Reeves. think of the brooding! think of the LAKE HOUSE!
con: you will forever be thinking that you hired an outlaw from the Old West. (seriously, am I the ONLY ONE who thinks that whenever I hear his name?! EDITED TO ADD: NO. NO I AM NOT. Whilst image-googling young James, the first THREE PAGES are pictures of the OUTLAW. THANK YOU, INTERNET, YOU HAVE REDEEMED ME.)

Joan and Melissa Rivers:

they're laughing at you. yes, you! they can see you, you know.

pro: will be able to tell you what competitors in your field are saying about you behind your back.
con: will probably be saying it with them.

Scott Hamilton:

words fail me.

I'm sorry, I can't get past his butt in this picture. Is he stuffing something in there? I also remember one time that Scott Hamilton guest-starred on Roseanne and did a scene skating around the linoleum floor in his socks. Based on this alone, you should probably just hire him.

Brande Roderick, former Baywatch actress and Playboy model:

grapes are sexy, you didn't know?

pro: probably knows CPR.
con: it's possible that Pamela Anderson might drop by to visit, sans pants.

Dennis Rodman:

so excited about jobhunting, a little pee came out

pro: can reach the top shelf in the copy room
con: a good chance he will show up to work looking like this - AND NOT JUST ON CASUAL FRIDAYS.

T-Boz (from TLC):

not in the Matrix, don't be confused

pro: comfortable working in a group.
con: may quit to go chase waterfalls. also, her abs will make you feel bad, and do you really need that at the office?

Tom Green:

LOUD NOISES

pro: is there anything this man WOULDN'T do? I doubt it. did you want him to fetch your lunch? DONE. did you want him to whore himself out for money to pay for your lunch? DONE!
con: the possibilities are endless and most likely involve poop.

Clint Black:

save a horse. hire me.

I can't think of anything even remotely witty to write about Clint Black, meaning he is probably the perfect addition to your office.

I will gladly accept a headhunter's fee for doing the legwork for you. And some free advice from me to you:  you shouldn't be reading blogs on company time. Get out of here before you're fiyah'd! (groan. I couldn't resist.)

young narcissists, or: may I present, the next generation of myspacers

DISCLAIMER: I do, actually, have a MySpace. I in fact MySpace-flirted with a guy last week, but I blame this on Virginia and absolve myself of all wrongdoing in the process. (I'm embarrassed to tell you that my rigorous MySpace-flirting standards boiled down to searching for tall guys who are older than me within a 30-mile radius and then picking the one I thought was cute. But not that embarrassed, since he ACCEPTED MY FRIEND REQUEST and there is currently a MESSAGE FROM HIM IN MY INBOX. Responding to it - which I plan to, by the way - may count as third-date intimacy in Virginia. If he THEN responds BACK, we are probably engaged. I will keep you posted.)

Anyway.

Earlier this week in my Internet wanderings I stumbled upon a blog post about these Golden Girls dolls:

you're a friend and a confidant...and slightly creepy, if your name is Blanche

I need these, and I need them immediately. They can sit on the kitchen counter with my talking Bill Clinton doll, and he will hit on them and hilarity will ensue. (Picture it: Sicily my kitchen. Bill trades barbs with Dorothy, then takes her out for a night on the town, becoming attracted to her because she is brainy and witty! Then Blanche meets him separately, by the coffeemaker, and he is POWERLESS to resist her Southern charm and honeyed seduction maneuvers, and they do the dirty; Blanche unaware that he has already barbed with Dorothy! The ladies fight, Dorothy runs to Sophia for comfort, there is some cheesecake, Rose mentions St. Olaf, and at this point they're probably locking me up in a padded room because I have been in my kitchen envisioning this for weeks.) Anyway, after perusing the rest of the merchandise on the doll website (and by "perusing", I mostly mean "looking at the Carrie doll and running away in terror"), I began to wonder what other creepy doll merchandise could be mine with the click of a mouse button.

I started with Twilight. I don't know anything about Twilight; it has something to do with teenage vampires, it has this chick in it:

vampires, idk

and my dear friend Jess had Robert Pattinson songs on her iPod for a month without knowing who he was and was mocked mercilessly for it by her fiance when he discovered them. This is the extent of my Twilight knowledge, but even I know this: bitches be crazy about Twilight, so I figured if there were to be a recent surge in creepy doll production, it would be from this genre.

I went to eBay and was typing it into the search box when one of the predictive typing search suggestions piqued my interest and I landed, instead, here:

And I will call you my squishy

Just in case this is not CLEAR, this is a website encouraging you to create a doll in your likeness. Your twin-doll, if you will (or, I guess, your twiNN doll. extra N. like if I were to say, "TERRIFYINNG," which would make about an equal amount of sense). As you can see, the website says that having a tiny mini-you to carry around will "inspire imagination," except it is pretty much doing the opposite by having you create a doll that's your carbon copy, thereby negating any creativity at all in the process - although it does look like you can dress her up as a princess. I am betting she wouldn't get judged for it, either; my own attempts at instituting Tiara Day in my office were met with mostly blank stares. I suppose that is a little inspiring.

Anyway, I believe the My Twinn website solves several pressing cultural dilemmas I have been struggling with. Namely, how will reality TV, Facebook and MySpace survive once my self-obsessed generation gets too old for them? (I admit that since my 50-something mother has recently joined Facebook, we may never officially be too old for these things, but it has to at least get sad after awhile.) Well, the answer is, WE WILL BE REPLACED. BY A NEW GENERATION. WHO IS JUST AS SELF-OBSESSED AND PERHAPS EVEN MORE SO, BECAUSE LO, THEY HAVE MADE DOLLS OF THEMSELVES. WHO ARE WEARING TIARAS. UPON WHOM THEY GAZE ADORINGLY.

I admit, this is weird and creepy, but I also admit I am a little in awe of these girls. They are taking MySpace whoring one step further by recreating themselves in plastic; they are, indeed, The new Plastics.

it's just that we don't have headwear

I should just teach them to shoot one-armed self-portraits, hand over my shoe collection and be done with it.

I would never do that, of course. If I give them my shoes, I will never know if MySpace Boy is tall enough to date.

Also, if I've yet to convince you that this is scary, I leave you with the My Twinn site's footer image:

disembodied baby heads

BUY ONE, GET THE SECOND 25 PERCENT OFF!
(My favorite is the fourth one from the left. It's like she just saw the Golden Girls dolls for herself and is wishing she had arms to reach for her credit cards. I feel your pain, honey.)