srsly_you_guys's blog

SECRET MAIL! Like secret lovers, but without an accompanying song.

At work last week I received a manila envelope with no return address and my last name spelled wrong.

Alone, none of this is unusual.  I have a weird last name, and I work at a company where I'm constantly getting mail with no return address because the contents (usually contracts) are self-explanatory.  But when I opened up the envelope, these came out:

Why hello, magical butt magnets!  One of you looks like Sophie! (minus the poop)

I was ecstatic.  If you are the type of person who would not be excited to get cat butt magnets in your office mail, I am not sure I want to know you. 

Included with the magnets was a piece of white paper folded into thirds.  I opened it to find one word typed:

meow

This is the part of the story where normal people (like my bff Liz, who is POSITIVE that a certain large-eared cat is stalking me) begin getting creeped out, but I of course immediately think yay! SECRET ADMIRER!!  Also I am maybe a moron, because hi, am I being stalked?  Via the post office?  With....cat magnets?  Because I gotta say, if being stalked (via the post office, with cat magnets) means that I will get presents in the mail, I might be okay with it.

Anyway, the postmark was Baltimore and I don't know anyone there and have never been, so if you are my stalker, HI BABY! THANKS FOR THE BOOTY MAGNETS and, um, how do you know me, and my work address, and if you did all of this by googling, then you have bad typing skills, because there is no excuse for misspelling when the name is right in front of you, and did I meet you at a bar somewhere?  Was there a drink in my hand?  Did my hair look cute?

Really, the whole thing puzzles me.

The butts are on my fridge now.  Sophie is still poopy and stinky.  And I really have no idea who they are from.

V. important Sunday musings

These are my cats, in matching sweatshirts:

In other news, I might be a crazy person.

Actual sentences in emails today

"SO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS. can you call me at work? dooooo it. dooooo it.  we will speak in code.  i will say, hi this is kate.  and you will say, blah blah blah brianne puppiehz, blah. and i will say, oh HI DR MILLETT! and then i will tell you a story and here are the code words." 

"I can't talk right now.  She is sitting right here with her CRABS!"

"Is it possible to lose 4 pounds of muscle in one week?  I feel very smallish and sickly."

It should also be noted that my away message currently reads:
I am going to a party in New Jersey!  I did not shower today!

All of this is true.  Also true: the majority of the keys on my laptop don't work anymore due to the immense amounts of food and cat hair embedded underneath them, so I have to press really hard to register anything on the screen, which is currently connected to the rest of the computer by one hinge, and so the really hard pressing makes it fall backwards.

LIFE IS A LITTLE PATHETIC RIGHT NOW.  So now I will take my unshowered self to New Jersey, where presumably, there is vodka.